Willow Weeps
by Willow 2005
Summary: Willow writes a letter to Tara explainig her actions, and some of the scooby write to ex scoobys.
1. Default Chapter

Title ~ Willow Weeps  
  
Author ~ Elitzi  
  
Disclaimer ~ All belong to Joss who is a great writer  
  
Rating ~ PG~13  
  
Summary: Willow writes a letter to Tara after "Grave" explaining her actions  
  
Dear Tara  
  
You don't really know how much I miss you. Right know I'm not in Sunnydale anymore. I'm in England. I bet you're thinking, "what is Willow doing in England?". Well Tara, it all started the day that jerk Warren shot you and took your life. It was more than any other feeling that I had. More then when Oz left me or even when Buffy had died. I had all these emotions just thrown at me. Sadness, Anger, Confusion, but the one that hit the spot, then one that made me more then pissed off was vengeance. I forgot about the whole promise to stay away from black magic and let it all flood back.  
  
I contacted the keeper of gates of death to bring you back, not knowing that Warren had shot you and that you were taken in natural order. He refused to bring you back Tara!! You of all people, the most beautiful person in my life! The rage in me surfaced and I screamed, feeling more anger then ever before. I couldn't help it ,  
  
I went outside very quickly and Xander had told me that me that Warren had been there. And he had gotten Buffy to! Oh Tara, I couldn't stand the pain and anger and me. Not only had he shot you, he had shot my best friend! I knew he couldn't take one more life.  
  
I went to the magic shop where Anya sensed something was wrong and she tried to stop me, saying that wasn't the way, but I ignored her and materlized all the from the loft on the table and slowly deepened my hands INTO the books, letting the power and words of black magic creep up my skin. At that moment it felt so soothing and calming. As if vengeance was my comfort feeling.  
  
It turned my eyes and my hair pitch black. My next stop was the hospital where I wanted to save my best friend friend. The lights flickered on and off as I entered the room, and I ordered the doctors to leave. There was Buffy, the girl that had died more the once, and I wasn't about to let her die again. I walked toward her and took the bullet out of her shoulder. Xander was panicked, yelling  
  
"She's gonna die Will!" But I took the bullet out of her and she blinked and she was alive! But I kept staring at the bullet and saying" It's so small" From then on I asked Xander if he could drive me somewhere, and he did. But he hesitated and stopped driving, but I magicked it into drive by it self, I had sensed Warren near by. When  
  
I approached the bus where Warren was, I was frustrated, the bitch had made a robot of himself to trick me. I teleported into your old dorm room and used the shirt that I had been wearing when you had been shot and I made the blood into a map to show me where the real Warren was hiding. I found him, deep in a forest. Stupidly he had some tricks up his sleeve but I tortured him, I stitched his lips up and made him see his mistake, killing his girlfriend Katrina as a illusion. He told me he was sorry, but believe me, sorry would not cut if for what he did. I killed him,  
  
I don't want to go into details, I think you already knew how that happened. Not long after I killed Warren, Buffy and Xander, along with Anya saw me, and all I said was,"One down," and disappeared. My next intention was on killing Jonathan and Andrew. Little did I know that Anya has been there before and managed to get the boys out. Again, I screamed with fury and pain. After that, Xander stole a police car and Buffy and the nerds went for a ride.  
  
I hopped on top of a truck and started moving the driver towards them, bumping into them, but I felt my power getting the best of me and draining. I felt powerless, but I knew  
  
I was going to be re-charged. I go back to the guy who got me into black magic, the sleaze Rack. He starts talking crap, about how "I used to smell like strawberries, only know that I'm ripe".  
  
I got pissed off and I drain him of his power. Before I know, it Dawn shows up and tries to talk to me. I ignore her and ask her. "Do you miss Tara?" she looked at me with a expression of shock on her face. "of course I do." she replied. I laughed. "Did you cry?"  
  
Know she looks horrified. I keep ranting, telling her how all she was is a big whiny girl and all she does is curl up and cry in her own little world. Then I tell her," Would you like to be that big mystic ball of energy you were once were Dawnie?" She looked sad and tells me to stop it, that this isn't the way. Just then Buffy burst into the door, reminding me of the old Willow, I cut her off and tell her not to call me anymore Willow, that the old Willow was nothing, and telling her the only thing that did make me Willow, was you.  
  
The only moments when you would look at me would make me happy. That I used to feel wonderful, but that you were the only one Tara. I move them magically into the Magic BoX and keep on talking, then stop and look at the nerds, and try to kill them. But something was stopping me, a binding spell, someone was chanting and keeping me from doing magic. I get pissed off and ask who was doing it. It had been Anya, who was behind a shelf reciting the spell, the only book  
  
I hadn't sucked dry. I broke free from the spell and advanced towards Buffy, she hesitates for a moment and looks me square in the eyes and says, "Willow, I really don't want to hurt you." I grinned at her and told her that she really had to get her ass kicked.  
  
Buffy tells me to "bring it on, and that she'll show me what a slayer really is." I just laughed at her and I attack her. I never really knew I was such a good fighter!! Okay, that really wasn't a joke but anway, I grabbed Anya and threw her back towards the bookshelf, smirking and saying "No one can stop me now" Before I know it, a green light threw me back and Giles steps in saying, "I'd like to test that theory."  
  
I get up and laugh, but he tells me to sit, and I was magically forced back down. I laugh and tell him that I can't stop and that I had had some geeks to kill. He threw some magic at me and suspended me in the air. I w0ke up a few seconds later and looked at Anya, who was cleaning up the mess. I tell her telepathically to let me out, that it wouldn't hurt.  
  
I laughed and walked in to the training room where Giles and Buffy were talking. I magicked some weapons and thew them at Giles. He moved a dummy to block him. I was still in the Magic Box, and Giles was telling me how I could have all the power that I want, but that he could still hurt me, and then out of the blue he metions you, saying "I wonder... What would Tara say about that?"  
  
I eye him and stared at the upper loft, sending all the books flying and buried Giles into the rubble. Buffy stared at me in pure shock, and I Just grinned and conjured up a ball of fire, and told Buffy that the fire ball could go to where the geeks where and kill them. Buffy stared and Giles looked up and ordered Buffy to go after the ball of fire, she wavered a bit and the finally sprinted toward it.  
  
I look at Giles and grin, slamming him up and down the wall, while he was up, he yelled a spell and sent ME flying back. I looked at him and told him that it was very rude that he had interrupted me. While I was on the floor, I had the most amazing feeling in the world, totally supercharged with all the magic floating into my veins, a feeling that felt like I was joyriding in black magic. But then it became unbearable.  
  
I felt that I could feel everyone in this world and nauseous painful feeling surged through me. I stopped and looked back at Giles, who was very bloodied. I looked at him and told him that "You poor bastards, you're suffering has to end." and I left. I arrived at this temple where I wanted to end this world Tara,  
  
I wanted everyone to suffer like I was at the moment. I start talking telepathically to Buffy, saying she cant stop me, that she should just go down fighting, and let all the pain just end. I started chanting the spell. Xander suddenly shows up, cracking his stupid jokes when I wanted to do was end the world at that moment. I tell him to just leave me alone, but he starts to come closer, saying something that really tore me up inside. And I'll never forgot what he said,  
  
" First day of kindergarten you cried 'cause you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion but the thing is, yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow and I love scary veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. You wanna kill the world you start withme. I've earned that." That's what changed me, but at the moment, I really didn't even want to listen to him, I started lashing out magically on his skin, but he refused to give up and coming toward me saying.  
  
"I love you Will" I told him to shut up, and all the black magic in me was drained, I cried and fell into his arms and started pounding on him as my eyes and hair returned to normal. So that's it Tara, all the pain and confusion of one little thing can make you destroy almost the whole world for the loss of a loved one.  
  
And I'm really trying to take it step at a time. But I really don't even know where my own life is headed with you gone. You were everything in me, my morning. You were there for me when Buffy died, and when things got ugly for the Scooby Gang. All the problems of life would go away for that second that you would look at me. You would make me feel better. You made me feel like myself. And you don't know how much I really regret doing this, hurting the people I love and actually killing a innocent. The road for me right know is going to be tough, but I know I can make it because you would want me to. And I really never got to really properly say Thank You. Thank You. And please keep watching over me.  
  
Love Always, Willow Rosenburg 


	2. Oz writes to Willow

Dear Willow,  
  
Hey. You know I'm not much one for writing letters, but I felt like I really had to write this down. Seeing you right know would just be to painful.  
  
I'm sorry about Tara, Will. I know you loved her very much. It must be really have been really horrible for you. But I'll get to the guilt issue later.  
  
I've really been around the whole world. I went to Hawaii, Australia and even China. Actually Tibet.  
  
I've been to England, and even Scotland.  
  
I fell in love with London &Sydney, Australia. I needed to control the demon inside. It hurt me to see Veruca actually try to kill you.  
  
It made me angry at Veruca. I wanted help, for myself and my cousin Jordy. Poor Jordy, he's just a little kid and he's going to live like this for the rest of his life.  
  
With wolf inside of him It was up to me to find some cure or balance between wolf and man. I went to Hawaii first, and then from there to Tibet. I met a man who helped me tame the beast and I learned meditation. Even a little bit of martial arts, but a kind of karate/meditation  
  
. I'm not even going to lie to you Will, I met a girl in China who had the same problem as me. I shortly found my self falling for her. But not even close to the love I still have for you. Sorry I kind of got carried away for a second there Will , I found people that accepted help. And helped me tame the beast inside.  
  
I'm really sorry I haven't kept up with you in the past two years. And I don't want to sound selfish, but when I found out about you in Tara, my heart broke.  
  
I just felt torn and hurt. Will, don't take this the wrong way, but who can you love me, I hurt you and then you suddenly, um...change? I'm not going to even get into that. You know How I found out about Tara dieing? No, Giles didn't call me. I could feel your hurt and pain, Will. All across the world, I could feel your mourning and rage. What happened Will? How could you kill a innocent? Yeah I know Warren killed Tara, but still. Ripping his skin off? Stitching his lips together?  
  
Really, what happened to you? This isn't he sweet Willow I remember going out with during the high school years. This isn't the Willow that I still forgave after that incident with Xander. And trying to end the world? Trying to kill Buffy and your friends?  
  
Getting addictive to dangerous black magik? Buffy told me you even got Dawn hurt. It's like you where a drug addict. I could picture your eyes. Raven black hair and eyes. You tried to kill the other one's to. You brought Buffy back from the grave, even though she was in the most happiest time in her life. She was blissful and at peace. You disturbed her. I'm not trying to criticize you Will., it's just I cant believe you did all those things. I really thought you were a good person, really,  
  
And you still are, but all those things were unreasonably cruel. Yeah I know I've done thing that aren't fair. But you had a excuse Willow. God I really miss you.  
  
There's times I wish we really together. That we would it would just be the two of us. I love you, Will. And I always will. I really wish you the best. And try hard to rebuild your life. Whenever you need, me just remember that I will always be in your heart. Make it down that course road. You can do it. I know you can.  
  
It's been hard for me to. But you're a person who works hard.  
  
I hope to see you again someday.  
  
I love you  
  
Love, Oz 


	3. Willow writes to Oz

Dear Oz ,  
  
Hey. It's me Willow. I got your letter a few days ago. I barely just got back from Westbury, England with Giles. He really helped me through a tough time. I know you didn't mean to criticize me in the letter, but honestly you really helped me think about things. Something really went over me that night that Tara died. I just wanted revenge on Warren.  
  
I can't explain the pain and hurt that was surging through my veins at that moment. I loved Tara, Oz. Just like I loved you. And a part of me still does. I just couldn't help it. A part of me was lost forever the night she died. A part of me die when you left. You told me you had the whole wolf thing under control. But you really didn't Oz  
  
. You tried to attack Tara, the Initiative got you and practically wanted to dissect you. After you left, I tried to do a spell to make the hurt go away, that spell went awry. It just things got so screwed p and didn't help the pain one bit.  
  
I felt like I was drowning in a pool of depression. I loved you. You helped me during graduation, you helped me through life. You accepted me after the whole Xander thing. But there were times when I needed you when you weren't there. Especially during Buffy's death. And yeah, part of me regrets bringing back Buffy from the dead when she was so at peace.  
  
She's finally happy to be alive and be in the world where people love her. You don't know the feeling I felt when I saw you with Veruca. I felt me heart tear into pieces. That same day I walked around town feeling numb and blurry. Oz, you were my first love and you'll always will be  
  
. But I needed you during so many times, that I felt vulnerable. And I'm glad you felt a little piece of comfort with that girl in China. And I'm also glad you're trying to help Jordy. He does deserve a normal life.  
  
When I was in England a few weeks ago, after the whole scary-veiny Willow thing, Giles took me to a coven where these witches taught me about the proper use of magic. One day when I was with Giles, I pulled up a magic flower from Paraguay, and I told Giles how everything in this earth was connected, the roots and everything.  
  
A little while later, I felt the hell mouth. And it had teeth, literally. I told Giles how the hell mouth was "going to swallow up hole". We never mentioned it until the day I left London. I came back to Sunnydale, worried about how the SG would react.  
  
I made myself disappear from ll that worry. Buffy and Xander didn't find me until Anya told them and I made my self visible to them. Luckily Buffy anf I talked, and she made me strong again. But sometimes I feel like I want YOU around. You kept me steady in the toughest of times. I would really like to see you again. But to tell the truth, I really don't know how I would react.  
  
There times I want to talk to you, be in your arms again. Pretend the breakup never happened, pretend that you were never a wolf that changed three nights a month, pretend that there was no hell mouth or evil in this world. I hope you can really find that balance between monster and man. I'll be there when you do.  
  
I hope I can really live life normal as possible again. I really miss you, and please take care of yourself.  
  
Remember, you were my first love.  
  
You will always be.  
  
Love, Willow Rosenburg 


	4. Surprise!

Willow quickly picked up her books and stuffed them in her messenger bag. As she was about to scurry off, Professor Mandel stopped Willow at the door. A firm look etched itself on her face,  
  
  
  
"Ms. Rosenberg, last year you where one of my top students in European History, but now you seemed a bit unfocused, dashing out every time your cell phone rings and missing classes and missing important information. I would really hate to see you fail, You are a bright young girl Willow, and I really think you should be a bit organized."  
  
  
  
Willow blushed a deep red and looked up at her Professor.  
  
"I'm sorry Professor Mandel, It's just sometimes emergencies come up, okay often then usual, but I-I," Willow stammered.  
  
Professor Mandel gave her a look of concern.  
  
" Willow, I know that you haven't been the same since Tara McClay died, but you need to get yourself together Willow."  
  
  
  
Willow nodded and walked out solemnly . Willow walked to the bus station and caught a bus to Hadley Road, which was only a block from Buffy's house. As she opened the door, She cringed at the site of the living room.  
  
Ever since the episode of the big bad tricking them into seeing dead people, Dawn would hole up in her room crying and Buffy was to busy with the fact that Spike was siring people again.  
  
The living room was still in a total disarray. Willow sighed and walked upstairs and entered her room. She placed her bag and her binders into a neat pile on her desk and quickly grabbed a highlighter and highlighted the passages of importance in her Physics notes. Willow was almost finished when a letter on her desk caught her attention. As she picked up, she fingered the envelope.  
  
It was a letter that Oz had written to her a few weeks ago. She sat down and reread the letter for the 2nd time since she had gotten it in the mail. The letter was filled with comfort and at the same time, in some parts Oz had criticized her for doing careless things while she was scary-veiny Willow.  
  
  
  
Willow had written him back, explaining her actions and seeking comfort. The truth was that the two people she had loved were gone. Tara was dead and Oz was somewhere in the world seeking help and to find balance between man and werewolf. She vaguely remembered the last time she saw him.  
  
Willow missed Oz, as hard as she tried to resist it, she truly missed him. Willow quietly begin to sob, and before she knew it, she cried herself to sleep. Sunlight streamed in the window and Willow opened her eyes to meet the glaring sun looking down back at her. Willow quickly got up and took a shower and dried her hair before meeting Buffy and Dawn for breakfast.  
  
To her disappointment, Dawn and Buffy had left for school, but there on the refrigerator was help by a smiley face magnet was a note from Buffy that read.,  
  
"Hey Will, Didn't want to wake you up, Going to be late today, showing Dawnie some extra patrol stuff, Love, Buffy & Dawn."  
  
Willow baked a omelet for herself and was relieved she didn't have any classes today.  
  
She kept herself busy by cleaning the bathroom and the kitchen and vacuuming upstairs. As she was drying the dishes, the doorbell rang.  
  
As she dried her hand on her jeans, she quickly fixed her hair and opened the door.  
  
Standing in front of her was Oz. 


	5. Confrontation

Willow stared at Oz with shock.  
  
"Oz..." she whispered ,grasping the door knob for balance.  
  
"Hey Will." Oz replied softly, almost in a whisper.  
  
Willow shook her nervousness off and smiled.  
  
"Um come in." she said and stepped aside to let him in.  
  
" Is Buffy or Xander here? I kind of want to talk to you somewhere private."  
  
"No, Buffy is at school working as a counselor and Xander is busy constructing some of the science labs at the new SHS."  
  
Oz raised a eyebrow  
  
"New high school?"  
  
Willow quickly explained to him about the new rebuilt Sunnydale High School.  
  
"Um Will, I kind of need to talk to you about some things"  
  
"Where do you want to go?" Willow asked.  
  
Oz motioned to his car.  
  
No longer was the van he cherished so much during high school, but a shiny blue Honda Civic.  
  
Willow frowned.  
  
"What happened to the van?"  
  
Oz shrugged.  
  
"Got tired of it breaking down and bought this car. They finally agreed to go to Sonin Beach, a beautiful small beach just twenty minutes away from the hell mouth. When they arrived, Willow wrapped her jacket tighter around her body as a cold breeze soon developed. She walked ahead of him, taking her shoes off and sitting down crosslegged on the sand. Right across, the sun was going down. Oz sat beside her and looked at Willow in her eyes.  
  
  
  
"Will, I'm really sorry about Tara."  
  
Willow nodded and fought the urge to cry, to let herself drown into Oz.  
  
"But still I don't understand things, how you could just have,"  
  
Oz paused and frowned.  
  
"Change." he finished and looked down.  
  
Willow stared at him. Somewhere in her heart, she could tell he was right. Willow swallowed hard.  
  
"Oz, after that whole Veruca thing ...,  
  
"Oz cringed and looked away  
  
" You left me heartbroken and total miserable, and Tara really helped me get through the most toughest experiences I have ever faced in my life."  
  
She hesitated for a second and then continued.  
  
Willow took a deep breath, her eyes know shimmering with tears.  
  
"Oz, when you broke up with me, It hurt like hell, It touched me deeper than Buffy's death. That day I saw you with Veruca I walked around Sunnydale in a total blur!" Willow exclaimed.  
  
"Will..." Oz started.  
  
Willow scrunched her eyebrows and gave Oz a angry look.  
  
"No, Im not finished, Then you come back, expecting me to come back with you after you gave me pure hell, and someway I had fallen in love with Tara..I really thought long and hard and I didn't want to get hurt again."  
  
Oz frowned. "You hurt me when you went around my back with Xander!" Oz shot back angrily.  
  
"You went around with him and kissed him, and God Willow, I took you back, I took at another chance with you.!"  
  
Willow smiled angrily.  
  
"At least I didn't sleep with Xander!" Willow retorted.  
  
Oz looked down and.  
  
"I told you that it wasent me, it was the whole werewolf attraction thing.!"  
  
"No Oz, you were attracted to Veruca even before you slept with her. Huh? Isn't that true?" Willow sputtered.  
  
"I'm not going to lie to you, I was attracted to her, but I tried so hard to fight it off, I really did." Willow broke down and put her hands up to her face.  
  
"To much...To much....Just to many emotions flooding back." She sobbed.  
  
Oz gently took Willow into his arms and buried his head on her shoulder.  
  
"I understand you completely... I still love you more than ever."  
  
Willow looked up.  
  
"Oh...Oz."  
  
Oz pressed a finger to her lips and gently kissed her.  
  
  
  
Sorry It took so long to update........I'll have more in the upcoming week. Thanks to all those people who reviewed! 


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